You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
