Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
