Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I am midnight drunk by noon
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
