so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
