The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
