the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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