Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
