he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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