I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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