We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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