I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
