i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
