Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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