I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
