at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
