He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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