I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
