I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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