He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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