Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
