I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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