I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
