Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
