First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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