note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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