So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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