everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My vagina is officially offended.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
