Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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