I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Randomize
