You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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