who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
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