I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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