Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
