Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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