its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
