I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
