His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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