MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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