got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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