don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
