There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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