Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
