please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
