It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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