this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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