You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
