something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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