I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
