so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
