We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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