That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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