lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
