then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
