i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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