this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
