theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
